In the first part of module five we looked at emotion coaching. In this lesson we are going to talk very specifically about tears and tantrums. These are very common in the first five years of life (even more so in the first three) while your child's brain is very immature.

What matters when it comes to parenting and tantrums is not IF they happen but HOW you handle them.

• Tears can actually help your child feel better after a particularly difficult situation.
• Tantrums can also provide opportunities for your child to flex disappointment and resiliency muscles.

Here is the good news : The more equipped you are to handle tantrums in a positive way, the more emotionally resilient your child will become.

When do tantrums happen?

Tantrums happen more commonly in the pre-verbal years (between ages one and three). Because children that don’t yet have a rich vocabulary are more likely to experience emotional overwhelm quickly. Even for four, five and six year old children, frustration and overwhelming feelings can lead to meltdowns.

By following the steps outlined in this module you can help your child practice and learn skills that will help them cope with strong emotions. There is a big emphasis in emotion coaching and problem solving, as research confirms the benefits of both strategies for your growing child.

Why are these strategies so worthwhile? As children learn more about self-regulation and put their own tools into practice, the less tantrums tend to happen.

Your role as a parent can be one of support and loving guidance. And it doesn't mean your child will be stuck having big meltdowns often. The earlier you begin to give your child tools to understand and overcome such strong emotions, the less these moments are likely to happen.

Four Strategies for Helping Your Child With Tantrums

1. Listen before Teaching

A lot of children get so worked up when they are in pain or frustrated and we forget that they really can’t tune in to what we are saying. It’s hard to cry, protest and sort out feelings while trying to absorb a teachable moment. What you have to say to your child is probably important, so wait until they can listen to you. In the meantime:

2. Make space for your child’s tears

Tears are not the enemy or a sign of parental failure. Tears are simply a normal, physiological and emotional reaction to emotional overload. While it’s not always easy to listen to tears, crying is very normal. When children cry they may be expressing frustration, sadness, fear, anxiety or some other strong emotion.

You will find parenting advice that talks about “stopping tantrums” or “ignoring” tantrums. But research on child development and pediatric psychology is clear: Letting your child feel her feelings and cry when they feel overwhelmed, hurt, frustrated and such is vital to their long term well-being.

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It is difficult to allow children the freedom of tears because most of us were stopped from crying when we were young. Our well-meaning, but misinformed, parents may have distracted, scolded, punished, or ignored us when we attempted to heal our childhood hurts by crying. Dr. Aletha Solter

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I want to encourage you to make peace with the idea that your child may at times have a tantrum. Understanding that your child is simply doing what an immature brain needs to may allow you to respond in a kind, calm and connected way.

Strive not to stop the tears but instead to find an appropriate place for the child to release her tears. This may mean for you that you stay close or that you give your child a space where they may cry until ready to be with you again.

It’s best to adapt your choice to your child’s age, temperament, needs and the situation you are in. (For example, don’t leave your child alone in a restaurant bathroom to cry alone. On the other hand, in the comfort of your home, your child may wish to be alone, on their bed until they feel better.)

• Your one and two year old are more likely to need your presence and help with tears.
• Your 3 going on 4 year old is likely to ask for you to go away (especially if you set a limit they dislike)
• Your 4 going on 5 year old will be better able to explain if they want company or if they prefer to be alone.
• Always keep safety in mind and make time to reconnect after the tears if you did leave your child alone.

3. Validate the Struggle While Holding Your Limit

Beware that allowing tears is NOT the same as coddling or giving into demands.

Listen to tears while keeping your limits very clear.

You can listen to a tantrum, validate feelings and still keep any limits that need to be set. Remember that your child’s struggle is real and challenging but not a reason for you to become permissive. (You may wish to revisit module four on setting limits and how to use kind and firm language if you find it difficult to listen to tears without giving in).

Keeping a limit is actually a good way to encourage a child to release her feelings and feel safe. The safer a child feels the sooner their tantrum is likely to subside.

Your child is working on growing and learning coping strategies.

For this reason,never give into tear filled demands. It’s neither kind, nor helpful to your child. Instead trust that if you needed to set a limit or say NO it was for a valid reason and know that your child simply needs your guidance to feel discomfort and then overcome it.

What does saying NO while listening to tears sound like:

• “I know this is frustrating for you. And my answer is no.”
• “I told you not to hurt your brother and now you are upset. And I will not allow you to do it again.”
• “You wanted chocolate before dinner and I said it isn’t a choice right now. I can see you are upset about that.”
• “You are crying because I said No. I care about you, even if it doesn’t feel like that right now, I really do.”

4. Correct your child in a connected and calm way

If tantrums show up with aggression and other unhelpful behaviors strive to be clear that the tears can go on, but that hurting you or others is not acceptable.

Remember from before, less is more so choose words that are clear and helpful such as:

• “I will not let you kick me.”
• “You may cry. You may not hurt me.”
• “You can cry, I know you are very upset. You cannot throw and destroy things.”

Another calm correction is to carry or accompany your child out of a public area into a more private space.

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These four strategies are backed by research from the Department of Psychology, The Pennsylvania State University and the Department of Psychology, University of California, Riverside. Several studies show that children that have parents that focus on emotion coaching, proactive parenting and problem solving during outbursts have children that are more cooperative, empathetic and have more social competence.

That means less tantrums and more willingness to work with you.

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While this approach to tears and tantrums may appear to be potentially more involved for you as a parent there is a very worthwhile reason to do it.

Research on child development confirms that children whose parents helped them understand and manage their negative emotions in the first five years could better regulate their own experiences in the following five years more effectively than their peers.

So that means if you help your child now in the early years you are actively helping them learn the skills they need (while wiring their brains too) to manage better on their own as the years go by.

• You can watch the Validating Feelings parenting tool video for more on helping your child with big emotions.

HOMEWORK